Time and Happenings

I haven't forgotten my blog.... I've just been busy.

Rest assured I haven't neglected these pages or those of you that take the time to read the uninteresting words I fill the space with. Life has taken hold of me and I have been a little bogged down with the events that have taken place.

So...hmm. What has happened to me since June 20th? Anything interesting? Here's what I have been up to and maybe some of it hits the interesting category and some of it doesn't but here it is just the same.

My son took an enrichment program through his school for approximately a month. He loved it and I loved seeing all of the things he made and learned about. He met some more friends. He's so outgoing and social. It's amazing to me that he has these characteristics because neither Shayne or I carry them that strongly. He's gotten so big I continue to be amazed at how fast time flies.

My daughter participated in summer camp for 2 weeks at her preschool...she loved it. Since the program has ended she asks almost daily if she has school the next day. I might add that she tends to have some separation anxiety and if I walk her in she latches onto me like another appendage. Her little arms wrap tightly around my leg and every attempt to shake her loose is unsuccessful. It's the sweetest thing and a little trying when I'm in a rush. But deep down I love it....her little way of saying she loves being with me so much she doesn't want me to go. So, I drive up to the gate one morning and she says, "Mommy, I want to walk in by myself." I smile with pride and say sure. I walk her to the gate and tell her I'll stand there until she is safely inside. She firmly states again that she doesn't want me to accompany her and I assure her I am letting her do it on her own. Wow! She did it. Wow, I did it. Again I have to say they grow up so FAST!

I participated in a stained glass class which I loved!! So be on the look out for some new creations. (I unfortunately haven't had a moment to breathe much less create)

I started a new job and so far I love it.

We are preparing to move...packing and moving slowly into our new place.

Savannah had her first hair cut. I just wanted her to get it trimmed but before we left she said, "No Mommy, I don't want snarls anymore. I want it all off."

(picture taken before haircut)



Our son turned 7!!!! Where does time go?


My mom was in the hospital again. She's okay, thank God.

I started taking Yoga again. Restorative. Peace. Grounded. Centering. Me.

Football started. I hate the rigorous schedule but my two favorite boys love it. Gavin absolutely loves that Shayne is his coach and vice verse.

Monday Shayne and I will celebrate 14 years together (8 married). I feel so blessed to have been able to share so much time with an amazing person who I love dearly. Although we are both Pisces and at times can be out of balance with one another some how we eventually find balance. We counteract one another and the bond we share is remarkable.

I don't know if it was interesting to you but it is my life and I think it is. It's not dull that's for sure.

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Fragile

Over the last few weeks/months I have experienced some things that have made a profound impact on my life. I have been forced to deal with issues that I didn't think I would have to face so soon but as life would have it my lesson started early. Thankfully I have wonderful people that have assisted me and I think that a few of them didn't realize their role or the impact they had on me. It's another lesson in human connection and the importance of living each day with compassion and love towards others. We never know who is watching us or how our life impacts someone else and the print we have left behind. Although I feel better I am still aware of the impact the various situations have had on my life.

Life is so fragile and we seem to drift along barely bumping into one another keeping our distance to ensure that our heart doesn't show or our true self isn't revealed. I have often wondered how many masks people wear and how they keep them selves hidden from others in fear of exposure. I too have done it. I'm guilty. It's the uncomfortable feeling of telling too much and wondering what the other person thinks & if your information will be perceived the way it was intended. It's the realization that maybe our words should be well chosen and thought out in depth before speaking to ensure the intention is pure.

***Long sigh*** LIFE...no one said it was going to be easy. No one said it would last forever. It inevitably ends, some times before we're ready, sometimes before we want it too. These have been my thoughts and my feelings lately. I have been fooling myself thinking that I had worked through it but I haven't because as my fingers touch these keys tears stream down my face. In March my mother became ill and was hospitalized. The fragility of life started to present itself then. I witnessed someone I love dearly twist and turn facing the harsh reality of change while I sat on the side powerless to assist the person who gave me life.

Then my great uncle passed away. Death. The passing on of someone else leaving us behind is hard in itself. Thankfully, I didn't view it like that. I know the reality is everyone dies, some sooner than they should. But in this situation he lived a long and great life and it was his time. As I drove to Pennsylvania for his funeral I thought about him and his impact on my life. I thought about my aunt and the tremendous sadness she would be faced with. For 59 years she devoted her time, life, and love to this man. They raised 5 beautiful daughters together, nurtured them, gave them wisdom and instruction to become amazing people. I thought about what she was going to do now that he was gone and how empty she would feel, her life turned upside down. Weeks (a month) later I still wonder. I feel such compassion for her and although miles separate us she is forever in my heart and my arms are around her even if she can't physically feel it.

Then my mother had a mini stroke. Again I was powerless. It is tremendously hard to experience this and I hope that I do not have to face this again anytime soon. As a child we think our parents will live forever. Then we are faced with the reality that someday they will leave us and we will be separated from the persons that gave us life. I am here to tell you it's not a fun feeling nor is it a joyous occasion. But it is part of life and the journey we walk...no one said it was going to be a bed of roses without thorns.

I started this entry on 5/14 and tonight I am finishing it (5/27)....13 days later. I am stronger than I was when first typing this and I feel more in tune with my emotional state and the circumstances creating them but still have more work to do. I need a little time and a few moments to breathe and recenter myself. The simple act of breathing really does wonders.

So here's my advice to myself and anyone who chooses to listen. Life is short, it is fragile. Don't be a robot! When you say, "Hello, How are you?" MEAN IT! Take the time to listen, the person you are speaking to may need you more than you know. There is tremendous power and strength in human connection. So for all of those out there....

I am sorry if I was in a rush and didn't take the time to listen when you needed me.

I am sorry if I portrayed that I wasn't interested in the importance of your words.

I am sorry if I didn't connect with you when you needed me to.

I am sorry if I acted like a robot instead of like a human with real emotions exposed and vulnerable.

I am sorry if I gave you unwanted advice.

I am sorry if I responded when you just needed someone to listen.

I am sorry if my actions affected you adversely.

I will try to do better and be more mindful of my thoughts, words, and actions.

CONNECTION: The state of being connected; union

Life is fragile and all of us need human compassion and connection....

My mother and I on mother's day 2008

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Time

Although I have wanted to type some words on this page time has not been my friend lately. It seems that each day escapes me and quickly departs as soon as it arrives. It's interesting how with every attempt to slow down it makes time go faster. Does anyone else feel this way? I feel like Alice chasing a rabbit that can't be caught. I look forward to the day that I can move at my own pace and I don't feel obligated to do this and that....although I have gotten better about saying no I still have some work to do. It appears that although time is my enemy I too may be my own worse enemy.



What can I do about it anyway? The clock says tick tock, tick tock and I don't answer it back but I stare at it from time to time with contempt. And even though I know it feels my stare it continues to speak loudly at me and continues to carry its tune. It doesn't pay any attention to me or my request to slow down.

Any who... Time is escaping me and it's okay. I'm letting it go. LOL I'm going to standstill and enjoy the wind as it caresses my face and the sun as it warms me. I have resigned myself that I can't catch up with it. It can out run me. As my dear friends say, "It's Toni Time". They accept it I guess it's time I do.