Wednesday, May 28, 2008


Over the last few weeks/months I have experienced some things that have made a profound impact on my life. I have been forced to deal with issues that I didn't think I would have to face so soon but as life would have it my lesson started early. Thankfully I have wonderful people that have assisted me and I think that a few of them didn't realize their role or the impact they had on me. It's another lesson in human connection and the importance of living each day with compassion and love towards others. We never know who is watching us or how our life impacts someone else and the print we have left behind. Although I feel better I am still aware of the impact the various situations have had on my life.

Life is so fragile and we seem to drift along barely bumping into one another keeping our distance to ensure that our heart doesn't show or our true self isn't revealed. I have often wondered how many masks people wear and how they keep them selves hidden from others in fear of exposure. I too have done it. I'm guilty. It's the uncomfortable feeling of telling too much and wondering what the other person thinks & if your information will be perceived the way it was intended. It's the realization that maybe our words should be well chosen and thought out in depth before speaking to ensure the intention is pure.

***Long sigh*** one said it was going to be easy. No one said it would last forever. It inevitably ends, some times before we're ready, sometimes before we want it too. These have been my thoughts and my feelings lately. I have been fooling myself thinking that I had worked through it but I haven't because as my fingers touch these keys tears stream down my face. In March my mother became ill and was hospitalized. The fragility of life started to present itself then. I witnessed someone I love dearly twist and turn facing the harsh reality of change while I sat on the side powerless to assist the person who gave me life.
Then my great uncle passed away. Death. The passing on of someone else leaving us behind is hard in itself. Thankfully, I didn't view it like that. I know the reality is everyone dies, some sooner than they should. But in this situation he lived a long and great life and it was his time. As I drove to Pennsylvania for his funeral I thought about him and his impact on my life. I thought about my aunt and the tremendous sadness she would be faced with. For 59 years she devoted her time, life, and love to this man. They raised 5 beautiful daughters together, nurtured them, gave them wisdom and instruction to become amazing people. I thought about what she was going to do now that he was gone and how empty she would feel, her life turned upside down. Weeks (a month) later I still wonder. I feel such compassion for her and although miles separate us she is forever in my heart and my arms are around her even if she can't physically feel it.
Then my mother had a mini stroke. Again I was powerless. It is tremendously hard to experience this and I hope that I do not have to face this again anytime soon. As a child we think our parents will live forever. Then we are faced with the reality that someday they will leave us and we will be separated from the persons that gave us life. I am here to tell you it's not a fun feeling nor is it a joyous occasion. But it is part of life and the journey we one said it was going to be a bed of roses without thorns.

I started this entry on 5/14 and tonight I am finishing it (5/27)....13 days later. I am stronger than I was when first typing this and I feel more in tune with my emotional state and the circumstances creating them but still have more work to do. I need a little time and a few moments to breathe and recenter myself. The simple act of breathing really does wonders.

So here's my advice to myself and anyone who chooses to listen. Life is short, it is fragile. Don't be a robot! When you say, "Hello, How are you?" MEAN IT! Take the time to listen, the person you are speaking to may need you more than you know. There is tremendous power and strength in human connection. So for all of those out there....

I am sorry if I was in a rush and didn't take the time to listen when you needed me.
I am sorry if I portrayed that I wasn't interested in the importance of your words.
I am sorry if I didn't connect with you when you needed me to.
I am sorry if I acted like a robot instead of like a human with real emotions exposed and vulnerable.
I am sorry if I gave you unwanted advice.
I am sorry if I responded when you just needed someone to listen.
I am sorry if my actions affected you adversely.

I will try to do better and be more mindful of my thoughts, words, and actions.

CONNECTION: The state of being connected; union

Life is fragile and all of us need human compassion and connection....

My mother and I on mother's day 2008



Karin said...

beautiful words, Toni.

ErinLee said...

I am sorry to hear about your family troubles, I hope your Mom is doing better now.

this is a beautiful entry, with a pretty important message that I think would be helpful for many many others to read. I like to think of life as one single organism, intermittently connected with everyone and everything. I hope I am making sense here, at nearly 2 in the morning!