Thursday, June 19, 2008


So here I sit, frustrated and angry. Angry that I have been to SEVERAL medical "specialists" and had numerous doctor's visits and I am still undiagnosed. I can feel the frustration in my's stirring and my muscles are a little tense as a result. And somewhere I know it is only going to get worse because next week I'm off to two more specialists. I have gotten used to them looking at me and then uttering the words...."We don't know" and then "Here you can take this pill and see if it helps you..." NO I don't want a pill! I don't want to flood my body with more chemicals, it already has enough from all of the crappy food on the market! I want an answer, I want something that points me to what the cause is so I can get on with my life and make the necessary changes to be healthy. Okay, years of medical school and years in practice and they still can't find what's wrong? Where did HOLISTIC medicine go? I want to know! I envy Eastern medicine that sits and listens to the whole body and analyzes the entire picture instead of viewing the problem with tunnel vision through a peep hole.

I try to be aware of what my body is telling me. It speaks and I don't always listen but I'm trying to get better. It's not fun to have your arms and legs go numb, have your muscles be in pain without doing anything, lose sleep because of pain, have extreme eye pain ~ so excruciating you can't move your eyes in any direction without wanting to cry or not being able to rub your eyes without wanting to scream because it hurts. It's not fun to have to look into your 3 year old eyes that are filled with love and admiration and say "sorry, mommy can't pick you up because my muscles hurt today" or "please get off my lap, your hurting my muscles". It is not fun to see your husband look powerless and see agony in his loving eyes because he can't help you. It's not fun to be tired at the end of the day or middle of the day knowing you really didn't do anything. It's not fun to know you have to work to make money and assist to support your family but are limited to what you can do because of your body, especially when you took for granted the capabilities you once had. The list goes on and on...

Okay, so now the bright side. It's not everyday... THANK GOD! I would go insane if it was. I know what makes my symptoms worse most of the time and other times they are unexplained. I have wonderful friends and family that are supportive. I have people that I have never met that check in with me from time to time to see how I am...THANKS SO MUCH, words could never express the gratitude I have to those of you that send me notes with positive thoughts, energy and wishes. When I think about the amazing love surrounding me, my soul weeps with joy in our connections to one another....connections to those we have met and those we have not but our energy has reached one another across the distance: near or far. I have met these incredible people that have enhanced my thirst for a holistic lifestyle and state of being. A state of well being in it's entirety...mind, body and soul.

I feel a little better.... It's amazing what writing in a journal will do. RELEASE....
Now I must go. Sit and breathe. Sit and re-center myself. Bring myself back and remember....

This does not define me. I am me because of me not because of this.


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