Life doesn't always make sense and today is definitely one of those days. I sit here staring at this screen wondering if this is the right release. What the hell. I need somewhere other than the confines of my home and comforting arms of my husband to let it all go. It's 3:07pm and it's been exactly 14 hours since I received the call that will forever change my life. The question why resounds in my head like nails on a chalk board. It goes unanswered and I am left with a splitting headace, a aching heart and red, swollen eyes. I don't know how the universe decides who goes and who stays. I don't know if I'll ever know and it does seem sensiless to even wonder or ask why but it still comes to the forefront of my mind.
With tears streaming, I sit and pray for the spirit of the universe to give me comfort and strength. Sadness seaps into every fiber of my being and rips my soul. My heart is broke in two and it appears there is no end in sight for the heartache I feel. It almost feels wrong to wish for it. I ask for the spirit of this world to craddle me and help me through the most difficult time of my life. Something I never wanted to go through. At least not this young. Then again who does? It's unfair.
While sitting in sorrow I pick up "Tears and Laughter" by Kahlil Gibran. I close my eyes and pray. Pray for comfort. For strength. For the angels to take care of him. To guide him. I ask the spirit to allow my fingers to open to the pages that will give me comfort and this is what I read:
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Two Wishes
by: Kahlil Gibran
In the silence of the night Death descended from God toward the earth. He hovered above a city and pierced the dwellings with his eyes. He saw the spirits floating on wings of dreams, and the people who were surrendered to the mercy of Slumber.
When the moon fell below the horizon and the city became black, Death walked silently among the houses--careful to touch nothing--until he reached a palace. He entered through the bolted gates undisturbed, and stood by the rich man's bed; and as Death touched his forehead, the sleeper's eyes opened, showing great fright.
When he saw the specter, he summoned a voice mingled with fear and anger, and said, "Go away, oh horrrible dream; leave me, you dreadful ghost. Who are you? How did you enter this place? What do you want? Leave this place at once, for I am the lord of the house and will call my slaves and guards, and order them to kill you!"
Then Death spoke, softly but with smoldering thunder, "I am Death. Stand and bow!"
The man responded, "What do you want? Why have you come here when I have not yet finished my affaiars? What seek you from strength such as mine? Go to the weak man, and take him away!
I loathe the sight of your bloody paws and hollow face, and my eyes take sick at your horrible ribbed wings and cadaverous body."
After a quiet moment of fearful realization he added, "No, no, oh merciful Death! Mind not my talk, for fear reveals what the heart forbids.
Take a bushelful of my gold, or a handful of my slaves' souls, but leave me. I have accounts with Life requiring settling; I have due from the people much gold; my ships have not reached the harbor; my wheat has not been harvested. Take anything you demand, but spare my life. Death, I own harems of supernatural beauty; your choice is my gift to you. Give heed, Death--I have but one child, and I love him dearly for he is my only joy in this life. I offer supreme sacrifice--take him, but spare me!"
Death murmured, "You are not rich, but pitifully poor." Then Death took the hand of that earthly slave, removed his reality, and gave to the angels the heavy task of correction.
And Death walked slowly amidst the dwellings of the poor until he reached the most miserable he could find. He entered and approached a bed upon which a youth slept fitfully. Death touched his eyes; the lad sprang up as he saw Death standing by, and, with a voice full of love and hope he said, "Here I am, my beautiful Death. Accept my soul, for you are the hope of my dreams. Be their accomplishment! Embrace me, oh beloved Death! You are merciful; do not leave me. You are God's messenger; deliver me to Him. You are the right hand of Truth and the heart of Kindness; do not neglect me.
I have begged for you many times, but you did not come; I have sought you, but you avoided me; I called out ot you, but you listened not. You hear me now--embrace my soul, beloved death!"
Death placed his softened hand upon he trembling lips, removed all reality, and enfolded it beneath his wings for secure conduct. And returning to the sky, Death looked back and whispered his warning: "Only those return to Eternity who on earth seek out Eternity."
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As hard as this time in my life is, I find comfort in those around me. I know I will never understand it and it's not up to me to understand. An angel was called home that needed to go and maybe wanted to go. I would do anything for one more hug, one more "I love you", one more phone call, one more time to sit and hang out, one more anything but time waits for no one. I do know that I will never forget the time I had. Nor will I forget the love in my heart that I felt for him and the love he felt for me. He was my brother. He was my friend. And many times he was my angel.
May the universe be your light and my comfort. Guide me and comfort me. Give me strength and lift my wings when I need to fly. There I will see you. I will feel your spirit. I will remember... Goodbye my sweet angel. Until we meet again.
