With a burdened heart and troubled soul my fingers hit these keys. It is here with a heavy and tight chest my fingers fan across the keyboard in an attempt to find a release. The last couple of days I have understood what it means to have a troubled soul, a heart burdened with suffering. I never truly understood but now I do.
I had known for a long time that your heart was troubled. I never understood its pain nor did I understand the agony you were in. You were the bearer of the world's pain and carried it with valor, pride and loyalty. Maybe I should have allowed you to lean a little more, maybe I should have shown more compassion for this burden you carried. Of course these words are merely said in vain and these deeds can no longer be acted upon.
Your blood courses through my veins and I am reminded of a night not long ago where you reminded me that I was your blood. It held meaning for me then but of course holds more meaning to me now. I am happy that I shared that and sad that you are missing.
You said on various occassions that you admired my strength but now in my moments of frailty it is I that admire your strength. The strength you had to carry the burdens you did, the strength to have a happy and brave face with a troubled soul and the strength you had to give of yourself without limits to so many people. O, beautiful soul...
You were as a pebble in this ocean of life. You created so many ripples and didn't realize the magnitude your ripples caused. And now you have created a wave in my life. I am drifting in the sea waiting for a life raft because this wave has caused my ship to be wrecked and it is now my soul that is troubled. Troubled from the thought of no tomorrow. Troubled with carrying on with out you. Troubled to not grow old with you and share stories. Troubled to not be able to share music with you. Troubled to not share growing stories about our children. Troubled by so many things that I can't type them all here...
I wait for you to call but my phone doesn't ring. I long to hear your voice but its sweet melody does not sing. I clear my mind and strip away at what has been taught to us so that I may see you. I wait. I listen. I feel. In the silent hours of the evening I lay. Waiting. Wishing. And scared. Scared that I may never feel your energy or that I won't release all my expectations so that I can. If you could be so kind as to visit me...comfort me.
Because it is now my soul that is troubled.
3 comments:
oh, Toni my heart is with you. I am looking forward to coming down in a couple weeks and being a bit of life raft for you. Laugh, we shall. :)
much love.
Karin
Hello. I just found your blog today through someone that follows mine, and as I started to read the first page of posts, I was overcome with your sadness. I am so sorry for your terrible loss. But may I also add, that I was glad to see that someone is not afraid to write in a blog post their deepest most sincere feelings, be they said or happy ones, and share them with the world. Your words came from the heart and have touched me deeply, and I look forward to following this post. I just recently lost my mother and I too wait for that phone to ring! Your creations are lovely, I look forward to seeing more. take care. Deborah
Thanks so much for your words and understanding my pain. My heart goes out to you as you walk this journey and deal with your loss. In the quiet evening hours I will pray for your comfort...
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