Remembering

I have not forgotten.  It's still fresh.  Raw and REAL.  I have not forgotten what it felt like when I heard the words.  I have not forgotten what it felt like when I realized your life had stopped and mine would go on.  Without you.  I have not forgotten all the things that raced through my mind when I realized the news was real and I hadn't imagined it.  I have not forgotten the pain that I felt knowing that my life would be forever changed without you in it.

But I remember...

your smile

your laugh

your hugs

your adventure

your courage

your strength

your wisdom

your love

your beauty

your light

your music

your words

your kindness

your generosity

your friendship

your valor

your poetry

I may have been the elder but you were much wiser than I.  You were stronger than I, courageous and braver than I and the beauty of your soul made the sun look dull.  You saw things most people miss, you knew things others will never know and you lived your life in a way that puts most of us to shame.  You loved with all your might which takes remarkable courage.  I loved everything about you and still do.  So today I remember.  I remember your life.  I remember the impact you had on me and the impact you had on so many others.  I remember the love I had for you and still do.  I'm thankful that my life was blessed with you as my brother...  I will never forget.  I will remember you always....  with love and gratitude.  My life was forever changed by you.

Gavin (I LUV U), Savannah (her art on the right) and Me (on the left with birds made from Jon's writings/poetry and my writings to him)

For you, Jon...  I remember you always bro.  With love...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q09_o7KsBj4&feature=share&list=FLgBsqok73nhv5ngPcPOLNbg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=990mPRb3T50&feature=share&list=FLgBsqok73nhv5ngPcPOLNbg

Time

I listen to the sounds of the clock resonating in my ears causing a deafening sound.
I watch the days go by and the pages on the calendar turn.
I see the sun rise and fall faster and faster.
And yet time seems to stand still.
Tick Tock-Tick Tock-Tick Tock.

Today turns to yesterday.
Tomorrow turns to today.
Minutes turn to hours.
Hours turn to days.
Days turn to months.
Months turn to years.
And yet time seems to stand still.
Tick Tock- Tick Tock- Tick Tock.

I'm still standing here waiting for you to come back to me.
Waiting.
Wondering.
Is this real? Is this a dream?
Time races by and yet for me it still feels like it was yesterday.
Tick Tock- Tick Tock- Tick Tock.

IF

If you are a bird, fly free.
I pray you feel the wind under your wings and the freedom you once sought.
When you grow tired from flight, I will be your tree.
Come rest your weary wings in my shade. You will find comfort and be restored.

If you are a tree, I will rest in your shade.
I will be refreshed and ponder the thoughts of life.
It is here I will say my thoughts aloud and find my own roots among yours.

When the winds blow, I will hear your music as you sway back and forth.
I will feel the energy of your love and smile.
I will remember the music we enjoyed and the merriment we felt as our feet moved to the rhythm and could no longer remain still.

If you are the wind, I will feel your gentleness as you tickle my face.
I will smile when I see the trees and flowers dance to your music.
On a hot summer day, I will delight in your breeze of refreshment and rejoice in the moment of comfort and feeling of love.
With joy, I will watch as you carry the leaves through the sky and their willingness to dance.
I will give thanks for the simple things in life.

If you are the sun, I will find warmth in your rays and feel your energy and love.
I will be renewed on the days I'm feeling blue and watch my personal clouds dissipate.
I will be reminded that the sun is the giver of life and bask in your glow.

If you are the moon, I will watch from below and smile as you find illumination from the sun.
With each cycle, I will be reminded of change and the importance of it.
I will be reminded that change comes from within and I am the beginning of change.
As I sit next to a fire, I will think of you as you cast your moonbeams from above and remember your grace, valor and love.

If you are you and I am me then our energies together will be.

future endeavors

Thoughts swirling in this head of mine as they seem to do. Thoughts of yesterday, today and future days, what it all means and where it will take me. I don't have many answers regarding where my path will lead but I remain open.

This one particular evening thoughts were swirling in my head, thoughts of you and our energy. Thoughts that made me sad and happy at the same time. Thoughts about our future endeavors and where we will meet again. Thoughts about how we will know and whether you will recognize me and vice versa. And from nowhere I get this pull to go to the back of the house. Immediately I sink to the floor with emotion and hope. With tears streaming down my face I heard your message of hope and I was reminded that it doesn't matter when or how it will occur but that it will again.

I know within myself we'll see one another again. I feel it in the core of my being. I'll recognize you and your energy. Please be patient it may take awhile. Because no matter what.... Love remains the same.

Sometimes it doesn't make sense

We as human beings try to make sense out of everything. Even things that can't be explained. Events that don't make sense. Today I have battled with an event and events that don't make sense. Reality is so cruel to us sometimes. It doesn't mean to be. It's true, it's honest and it's in our face. We choose to deal with it and fight or walk away. I think there are definitely days that I walk away. Not because I've given up or because I don't know various events are real but because I know life keeps on moving whether we want it to or not. Another brutal blow by our foe, Reality.

I have always had a strong faith. Faith in things unseen and unexplained. But I also rely on science. I believe in science and let my faith carry me the rest of the way. The unexplained is where my friend, Faith, comes in. Some people in my life would like my faith to be as theirs but it's not and honestly it probably will never be and for me that's okay. I guess for them it's brutal because it's their foe, Reality. And maybe they believe in their friend, Faith, in order to deal with the reality. Who knows? Like I said it sometimes doesn't make sense.

Life has carried on over these last few months and I have walked and tried to flow with it. I've kept my head above the water, held high. I have been encouraged in my darkest hours of weakness by the blessings the universe has given me which are my friends, my family, hope, faith and love. Some days are harder than others and on these particular days I wrestle with the unexplained and what doesn't make sense even though I know it's a waste of my energy. Honestly, I don't know why I keep fighting this losing battle. I never win.


My longing for one more moment of time is stronger on some days than others. It's not that I don't want it everyday because I do. I suppose I push it down, keep moving and force myself to think about something else to escape the unbearable pain that comes from the thoughts and the longing of time. Moments that will never be captured whether it's with those we love that have left us or those that still remain. Missed opportunities. Opportunities all of us take for granted. So for this I say, "Carpe Diem." You never know when it will be your last.

This certainly applies to my brother. I miss him everyday. Some days it takes over and I have an unbearable pain. A hole where my heart is. Today was one of those days.

I'm sorry to those that read and follow my blog for my heart wrenching entries. I hope you understand my need for a release and it's here that my heart becomes unburdened.



On the brighter side of things....... SPRING HAS SPRUNG!


There is a promise of a new day. A brighter day. Longer days with more sun to warm our spirits. Life has so many blessings to offer and so much beauty around us. This week I have been enjoying the beautiful flowering trees, daffodils, birds in the sky and the warmth of the sun. I have been able to capture the beauty of nature with my camera and feel connected to it's magnificence. In this world we are so small, like an ant, but yet we like to think we are so big. We aren't, it's just our ego. Ego that takes over and gets in the way of everything. It can even get in the way of seeing beauty.


Sometimes it doesn't make sense and that's okay even if we don't want it to be. Life is beautiful even with the events that don't make sense. It doesn't mean that we miss those we have lost any less or that we have forgotten them. It just means that we are holding on to hope and realize it sometimes doesn't make sense.

Jon and I

Oh, How I miss you, Bro.

O, Troubled Soul

With a burdened heart and troubled soul my fingers hit these keys. It is here with a heavy and tight chest my fingers fan across the keyboard in an attempt to find a release. The last couple of days I have understood what it means to have a troubled soul, a heart burdened with suffering. I never truly understood but now I do.

I had known for a long time that your heart was troubled. I never understood its pain nor did I understand the agony you were in. You were the bearer of the world's pain and carried it with valor, pride and loyalty. Maybe I should have allowed you to lean a little more, maybe I should have shown more compassion for this burden you carried. Of course these words are merely said in vain and these deeds can no longer be acted upon.

Your blood courses through my veins and I am reminded of a night not long ago where you reminded me that I was your blood. It held meaning for me then but of course holds more meaning to me now. I am happy that I shared that and sad that you are missing.

You said on various occassions that you admired my strength but now in my moments of frailty it is I that admire your strength. The strength you had to carry the burdens you did, the strength to have a happy and brave face with a troubled soul and the strength you had to give of yourself without limits to so many people. O, beautiful soul...

You were as a pebble in this ocean of life. You created so many ripples and didn't realize the magnitude your ripples caused. And now you have created a wave in my life. I am drifting in the sea waiting for a life raft because this wave has caused my ship to be wrecked and it is now my soul that is troubled. Troubled from the thought of no tomorrow. Troubled with carrying on with out you. Troubled to not grow old with you and share stories. Troubled to not be able to share music with you. Troubled to not share growing stories about our children. Troubled by so many things that I can't type them all here...

I wait for you to call but my phone doesn't ring. I long to hear your voice but its sweet melody does not sing. I clear my mind and strip away at what has been taught to us so that I may see you. I wait. I listen. I feel. In the silent hours of the evening I lay. Waiting. Wishing. And scared. Scared that I may never feel your energy or that I won't release all my expectations so that I can. If you could be so kind as to visit me...comfort me.

Because it is now my soul that is troubled.

Time and Happenings

I haven't forgotten my blog.... I've just been busy.

Rest assured I haven't neglected these pages or those of you that take the time to read the uninteresting words I fill the space with. Life has taken hold of me and I have been a little bogged down with the events that have taken place.

So...hmm. What has happened to me since June 20th? Anything interesting? Here's what I have been up to and maybe some of it hits the interesting category and some of it doesn't but here it is just the same.

My son took an enrichment program through his school for approximately a month. He loved it and I loved seeing all of the things he made and learned about. He met some more friends. He's so outgoing and social. It's amazing to me that he has these characteristics because neither Shayne or I carry them that strongly. He's gotten so big I continue to be amazed at how fast time flies.

My daughter participated in summer camp for 2 weeks at her preschool...she loved it. Since the program has ended she asks almost daily if she has school the next day. I might add that she tends to have some separation anxiety and if I walk her in she latches onto me like another appendage. Her little arms wrap tightly around my leg and every attempt to shake her loose is unsuccessful. It's the sweetest thing and a little trying when I'm in a rush. But deep down I love it....her little way of saying she loves being with me so much she doesn't want me to go. So, I drive up to the gate one morning and she says, "Mommy, I want to walk in by myself." I smile with pride and say sure. I walk her to the gate and tell her I'll stand there until she is safely inside. She firmly states again that she doesn't want me to accompany her and I assure her I am letting her do it on her own. Wow! She did it. Wow, I did it. Again I have to say they grow up so FAST!

I participated in a stained glass class which I loved!! So be on the look out for some new creations. (I unfortunately haven't had a moment to breathe much less create)

I started a new job and so far I love it.

We are preparing to move...packing and moving slowly into our new place.

Savannah had her first hair cut. I just wanted her to get it trimmed but before we left she said, "No Mommy, I don't want snarls anymore. I want it all off."

(picture taken before haircut)



Our son turned 7!!!! Where does time go?


My mom was in the hospital again. She's okay, thank God.

I started taking Yoga again. Restorative. Peace. Grounded. Centering. Me.

Football started. I hate the rigorous schedule but my two favorite boys love it. Gavin absolutely loves that Shayne is his coach and vice verse.

Monday Shayne and I will celebrate 14 years together (8 married). I feel so blessed to have been able to share so much time with an amazing person who I love dearly. Although we are both Pisces and at times can be out of balance with one another some how we eventually find balance. We counteract one another and the bond we share is remarkable.

I don't know if it was interesting to you but it is my life and I think it is. It's not dull that's for sure.

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Fragile

Over the last few weeks/months I have experienced some things that have made a profound impact on my life. I have been forced to deal with issues that I didn't think I would have to face so soon but as life would have it my lesson started early. Thankfully I have wonderful people that have assisted me and I think that a few of them didn't realize their role or the impact they had on me. It's another lesson in human connection and the importance of living each day with compassion and love towards others. We never know who is watching us or how our life impacts someone else and the print we have left behind. Although I feel better I am still aware of the impact the various situations have had on my life.

Life is so fragile and we seem to drift along barely bumping into one another keeping our distance to ensure that our heart doesn't show or our true self isn't revealed. I have often wondered how many masks people wear and how they keep them selves hidden from others in fear of exposure. I too have done it. I'm guilty. It's the uncomfortable feeling of telling too much and wondering what the other person thinks & if your information will be perceived the way it was intended. It's the realization that maybe our words should be well chosen and thought out in depth before speaking to ensure the intention is pure.

***Long sigh*** LIFE...no one said it was going to be easy. No one said it would last forever. It inevitably ends, some times before we're ready, sometimes before we want it too. These have been my thoughts and my feelings lately. I have been fooling myself thinking that I had worked through it but I haven't because as my fingers touch these keys tears stream down my face. In March my mother became ill and was hospitalized. The fragility of life started to present itself then. I witnessed someone I love dearly twist and turn facing the harsh reality of change while I sat on the side powerless to assist the person who gave me life.

Then my great uncle passed away. Death. The passing on of someone else leaving us behind is hard in itself. Thankfully, I didn't view it like that. I know the reality is everyone dies, some sooner than they should. But in this situation he lived a long and great life and it was his time. As I drove to Pennsylvania for his funeral I thought about him and his impact on my life. I thought about my aunt and the tremendous sadness she would be faced with. For 59 years she devoted her time, life, and love to this man. They raised 5 beautiful daughters together, nurtured them, gave them wisdom and instruction to become amazing people. I thought about what she was going to do now that he was gone and how empty she would feel, her life turned upside down. Weeks (a month) later I still wonder. I feel such compassion for her and although miles separate us she is forever in my heart and my arms are around her even if she can't physically feel it.

Then my mother had a mini stroke. Again I was powerless. It is tremendously hard to experience this and I hope that I do not have to face this again anytime soon. As a child we think our parents will live forever. Then we are faced with the reality that someday they will leave us and we will be separated from the persons that gave us life. I am here to tell you it's not a fun feeling nor is it a joyous occasion. But it is part of life and the journey we walk...no one said it was going to be a bed of roses without thorns.

I started this entry on 5/14 and tonight I am finishing it (5/27)....13 days later. I am stronger than I was when first typing this and I feel more in tune with my emotional state and the circumstances creating them but still have more work to do. I need a little time and a few moments to breathe and recenter myself. The simple act of breathing really does wonders.

So here's my advice to myself and anyone who chooses to listen. Life is short, it is fragile. Don't be a robot! When you say, "Hello, How are you?" MEAN IT! Take the time to listen, the person you are speaking to may need you more than you know. There is tremendous power and strength in human connection. So for all of those out there....

I am sorry if I was in a rush and didn't take the time to listen when you needed me.

I am sorry if I portrayed that I wasn't interested in the importance of your words.

I am sorry if I didn't connect with you when you needed me to.

I am sorry if I acted like a robot instead of like a human with real emotions exposed and vulnerable.

I am sorry if I gave you unwanted advice.

I am sorry if I responded when you just needed someone to listen.

I am sorry if my actions affected you adversely.

I will try to do better and be more mindful of my thoughts, words, and actions.

CONNECTION: The state of being connected; union

Life is fragile and all of us need human compassion and connection....

My mother and I on mother's day 2008

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In Celebration and Loving Memory

In celebration of a woman I knew named Karen

I received the email listed below today and thought it was quite appropriate to share on my blog with all of you. I was intending to write today about a birthday celebration I can no longer participate in and here I am doing what I intended to do and sharing this email as well.

Today would have been my step-sister, Karen's birthday. I thought about her a lot today and in my mind thought about what her life would have been like for her and her son. I thought about what my life was like the many years ago that I knew her and how much I didn't know about her. So I'll share the little I did know and what I appreciated about her.

I was young and didn't understand the dynamics of the various relationships that encompass our every day lives nor did I understand the complexity that comes along with them. Karen's father married my mother and as it does in many families it brought about sadness and bitterness in the children that were left behind as they saw their father start a new life with children that were not his. As a child I completely understood this to the degree that a man entered my home that I did not know and I was faced with the realization that my dream and prayer of my father returning was to be unanswered and final. For many years due to the complexity of the relationship and feelings that were generated as a result I unfortunately did not get to know her.

Something happened in her life and for whatever reason she started to set her feelings aside and began spending time with us. During this time I was able to spend time with her and experience what it was like to have a sister. Even with our age difference we had things in common and I revelled in it and her vibrant spirit. We both loved and collected unicorns maybe because we fantasized as children that our lives would turn out differently, who knows. Each time I see a unicorn I think of her and it makes me smile. I went to her apartment to spend time with her and appreciated the talks we had. I appreciated being able to share my feelings and ideas with her and hearing her point of view. I loved the smile she had, it lit up the room. My time with her was short and her life here was short but the impact she left on me and on others was HUGE.

So, Happy Birthday Karen. Those of us that loved you deeply continue to celebrate your life that you left behind.

Here's the email that I was sent today and ironic that it should arrive today of all days....

Karen's life was unfortunately taken prematurely by cancer's devilish hand.

In Memory

All you are asked to do is keep this circulating. Even if it's to one more person. In memory of anyone you know that has been struck down by cancer, and in support of anyone battling it now. A Candle Loses Nothing by Lighting Another Candle. Please Keep This Candle Going!
This one I do ask that you send on.

Strength

As a child I observed a woman who had an amazing strength. It was incredible to watch and learn from her and now as an adult I continue to learn from her. I really did not understand the magnitude of her strength until a few years ago but now looking back on it her strength was and is pretty incredible.

I know sometimes she thinks she is invisible and sometimes she feels like she isn't needed but that isn't true. Her presence is as strong as it was when I was a small child. Her beauty more radiant now then it was then and well her courage sings louder than the mountains. I have seen her when life's burden was wearing her down, I have seen her when life was lifting her up and I have seen her when no one else was looking. I have seen her in my direct vision and out of the corner of my eye and the strength, courage and wisdom that I see is astounding.

In my moments of fragility she has given me the strength to carry on even when I didn't think it was possible. She had (and still has) a ray of light emitting from her that shines brightly on me and gives me courage to face life's battle. I have seen the pain in her eyes as she held my hand and my heart and watched me twist in misery as my life unraveled and self doubt filled me. But she gave me words of comfort and breathed life back into my withering spirit allowing me to stand firmly once again.

I know that I haven't always told her nor have I always shown her what her strength means to me and even though I haven't I hold it dear in my heart. I am a strong, independent woman because of her. Because she taught me to fight, she taught me to stand, she taught me to see and she did it with amazing grace and beauty.

This amazingly beautiful, strong and independent woman is my mother. She gave me life and taught me to live and love life with strength even when she didn't have strength of her own. For that I am grateful and filled with an amazing amount of love and respect for her.

~Thanks mom for assisting in making me the woman I am today. Thanks for your beauty and your strength.


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Oveous Maximus has written a beautiful poem entitled, "DULCE DE LECHE" (ironically Dulce is the name of my beautiful mother.)

The link below is him reading his poem. Click on it to hear my feelings regarding an amazing woman who gave me life and strength.

Oveous Maximus ~ "Dulce de Leche"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjZvgULWHWY

Sadness & Joy

I sit here with tears streaming down my face and an ache in my heart. A ache for home and all that surrounds it. The foundation of who I am has just left and I can't help but feel sad and happy all at once. Since I was a little girl I saw his wisdom and valued his teachings because I knew that they would build an empire of character. And now as an adult looking back I am filled with a world of gratitude because so many years ago early in the morning while sitting on a bus I listened and talked and the foundation of my house of character was being laid.

I am sad because I know I don't get the privilege of his company each day. I don't get to have cups of coffee, dinner or talks face to face. I don't get to watch him interact with my children. I don't get to witness a relationship build with my husband. I don't get to see him pass his wisdom and knowledge to my children on a regular basis. I don't get to see my children's love for this man while they wrap their tiny arms around his neck. And yet I know that it's the way it is because he's needed somewhere else right now. Someone else needs him much more than me and for that even though it hurts I'm okay.

I am happy because for a moment in time I got to sit at his feet once again and learn. I got to witness my children's love for this great figure and the admiration fill in their eyes. And even with admonishment I saw the love and respect that they had because he taught with gentleness. The same way I remembered as a child. I was able to witness a relationship start with my husband and for the first time in 13 years they were both able to see why I love them both so dearly. I am happy because I was able to have dinner, cups of coffee, talk, listen, learn, love and have his company even if it was a short time. With gratitude and love in my heart I cherish every minute that I had.

This great figure is my dad.

Dad ~ Thanks for your visit, your time, your love but most of all thanks for assisting in making me the woman I am today.

Holiday Memories

I absolutely love Christmas time. Sure I can do without the commercialism that has taken hold of our society. And yes I get quite irritated with how fast it goes by and the rush of the season. But when I really think about it my heart fills with a warmth and runs over with joy thinking about all of the fond memories I have of the season from my childhood. And now as an adult with children of my own, I cherish the memories I am creating with my own children and pray that they will look back on them with the same happiness I do regarding mine. Those memories gave me such joy as a child and still do.

• I LOVED riding around town and the back roads of my home town looking at all of the Christmas lights with my father. He would share memories of his own childhood while commenting on the beauty our eyes were gazing at.
• Each holiday season I would watch the Christmas holiday movies with my mother and the one that had the largest impact on me was "Miracle on 34Th Street". Sharing that time with her was so important to me as a child and still is as an adult.
• Receiving money from my mom to purchase Christmas gifts for my family. I didn't think about it then too much but she gave me a greater gift than what I was giving....the gift of thoughtfulness.
• Decorating our Christmas tree together.
• Christmas caroling with my father. I didn't really enjoy it that much as a child but now as an adult the memory makes me smile and makes me sad that people don't do it as often anymore.
• My mother would buy my brother and I chocolate Christmas calendars each year. It was so exciting to count down the days to Christmas and get a chocolate treat too.

Now that my husband and I have a family we have some traditions we share with our children. Most of them have been adopted from our childhood that we enjoyed doing with our parents and gave us fond memories. Here are a few that we share as a family~

• Each Christmas Eve we congregate as a family, order Chinese food and watch "Miracle on 34Th Street"
• On Christmas Eve we make Christmas cookies
• Christmas day we have crepes for breakfast after opening presents
• We make handmade Christmas cards and some handmade gifts
• Watch the holiday specials with the kids
• Look at the Christmas lights together
• Donate toys for children in need
• Decorate the tree together as a family
• My kids love the chocolate christmas calendars. My mother buys them each year for them.

I hope everyone has a holiday filled with love, peace and laughter. Happy Holidays.....

Letting go

Over the last few weeks I have been pondering this thought. A simple concept but at the same time so hard to do. I have given great thought to the magnitude of power those two words have and at the same time the power it has if you don't follow the concept.

So in an effort of letting go....yesterday is yesterday. Today is today. What happened a minute ago happened a minute ago, it can't be changed so let it go. There are too many other wonderous moments to be captured and if you are holding on to something that should be released, let go of it, you may and will miss the moment. It feels good to say goodbye. Take in a deep breath and remember life is too good and you may miss it if you are still holding on to yesterday.

I have learned: (and sometimes forget)


~You can't change people, only yourself.
~People are who they are and it's okay.
~It is what it is-no more, no less.
~Our thoughts are sometimes not our friend. :)
~Our words can damage someone so be careful with your tongue. (I'm still working on this one)
~Beauty happens every second all you have to do is open your eyes.
~Beauty radiates from within not outwardly.
~Most people are good, if you give them a chance.
~Smile when you feel like frowning.
~Be true to yourself so you can be true to others.
~Love yourself so someone else can love you.
~Give thanks for everything.
~Live like today is your last day because it may be.
~Make sure those around you know you love them, you can never tell them enough.
~Give a part of yourself to others they might not have anyone else.
~Be kind.
~Remember to have compassion.
~Say your sorry even if it wasn't your fault.
~Love all people.
~Be respectful of other's beliefs, opinions and views.
~It is better to live harmoniously than in discord.
~Say a prayer for others.

Copyright ~ Whimsical Jewels 2007