Remembering

I have not forgotten.  It's still fresh.  Raw and REAL.  I have not forgotten what it felt like when I heard the words.  I have not forgotten what it felt like when I realized your life had stopped and mine would go on.  Without you.  I have not forgotten all the things that raced through my mind when I realized the news was real and I hadn't imagined it.  I have not forgotten the pain that I felt knowing that my life would be forever changed without you in it.

But I remember...

your smile

your laugh

your hugs

your adventure

your courage

your strength

your wisdom

your love

your beauty

your light

your music

your words

your kindness

your generosity

your friendship

your valor

your poetry

I may have been the elder but you were much wiser than I.  You were stronger than I, courageous and braver than I and the beauty of your soul made the sun look dull.  You saw things most people miss, you knew things others will never know and you lived your life in a way that puts most of us to shame.  You loved with all your might which takes remarkable courage.  I loved everything about you and still do.  So today I remember.  I remember your life.  I remember the impact you had on me and the impact you had on so many others.  I remember the love I had for you and still do.  I'm thankful that my life was blessed with you as my brother...  I will never forget.  I will remember you always....  with love and gratitude.  My life was forever changed by you.

Gavin (I LUV U), Savannah (her art on the right) and Me (on the left with birds made from Jon's writings/poetry and my writings to him)

For you, Jon...  I remember you always bro.  With love...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q09_o7KsBj4&feature=share&list=FLgBsqok73nhv5ngPcPOLNbg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=990mPRb3T50&feature=share&list=FLgBsqok73nhv5ngPcPOLNbg

Sometimes it doesn't make sense

We as human beings try to make sense out of everything. Even things that can't be explained. Events that don't make sense. Today I have battled with an event and events that don't make sense. Reality is so cruel to us sometimes. It doesn't mean to be. It's true, it's honest and it's in our face. We choose to deal with it and fight or walk away. I think there are definitely days that I walk away. Not because I've given up or because I don't know various events are real but because I know life keeps on moving whether we want it to or not. Another brutal blow by our foe, Reality.

I have always had a strong faith. Faith in things unseen and unexplained. But I also rely on science. I believe in science and let my faith carry me the rest of the way. The unexplained is where my friend, Faith, comes in. Some people in my life would like my faith to be as theirs but it's not and honestly it probably will never be and for me that's okay. I guess for them it's brutal because it's their foe, Reality. And maybe they believe in their friend, Faith, in order to deal with the reality. Who knows? Like I said it sometimes doesn't make sense.

Life has carried on over these last few months and I have walked and tried to flow with it. I've kept my head above the water, held high. I have been encouraged in my darkest hours of weakness by the blessings the universe has given me which are my friends, my family, hope, faith and love. Some days are harder than others and on these particular days I wrestle with the unexplained and what doesn't make sense even though I know it's a waste of my energy. Honestly, I don't know why I keep fighting this losing battle. I never win.


My longing for one more moment of time is stronger on some days than others. It's not that I don't want it everyday because I do. I suppose I push it down, keep moving and force myself to think about something else to escape the unbearable pain that comes from the thoughts and the longing of time. Moments that will never be captured whether it's with those we love that have left us or those that still remain. Missed opportunities. Opportunities all of us take for granted. So for this I say, "Carpe Diem." You never know when it will be your last.

This certainly applies to my brother. I miss him everyday. Some days it takes over and I have an unbearable pain. A hole where my heart is. Today was one of those days.

I'm sorry to those that read and follow my blog for my heart wrenching entries. I hope you understand my need for a release and it's here that my heart becomes unburdened.



On the brighter side of things....... SPRING HAS SPRUNG!


There is a promise of a new day. A brighter day. Longer days with more sun to warm our spirits. Life has so many blessings to offer and so much beauty around us. This week I have been enjoying the beautiful flowering trees, daffodils, birds in the sky and the warmth of the sun. I have been able to capture the beauty of nature with my camera and feel connected to it's magnificence. In this world we are so small, like an ant, but yet we like to think we are so big. We aren't, it's just our ego. Ego that takes over and gets in the way of everything. It can even get in the way of seeing beauty.


Sometimes it doesn't make sense and that's okay even if we don't want it to be. Life is beautiful even with the events that don't make sense. It doesn't mean that we miss those we have lost any less or that we have forgotten them. It just means that we are holding on to hope and realize it sometimes doesn't make sense.

Jon and I

Oh, How I miss you, Bro.

A full circle

Oh, Dear Heart... today I missed you. I have missed you everyday since you went away but today was a reminder of the fragility of life. It was a month ago today that I received the fateful call that I will never forget...the call that changed my life and the course of it. As sad as it is for me and as much as my heart and soul hurt as a result, today I was also filled with joy. Joy you created for me.



A sweet girl that I have not officially met but already love told me about sweet melodies. I went to the garage and checked it out. I saw you there. You were in the sounds. You were in the air. The melodies filled my being and I met some pretty amazing people. People you would have loved. I know you were there because I could feel you. I felt like I have known these people forever... a brother from a previous life so today I embraced a new beginning. Not a beginning without you...a beginning where I met someone new and added them to my family as you would have.



Music. Your soul. My soul. Combined. Intertwined. Beautiful melodies. Tonight our souls danced and I felt you there and your smile. Your love. I knew you would have been pleased. I met someone new and I felt as if we had been connected for a lifetime. Tonight was a full circle. In a few minutes it will mark the time I received a phone call that forever changed my life and tonight I met a new friend that changed my life with music and friendship. He was someone you would have loved.


I miss you and I love you.


Shayne, Me and Greg, our new friend, from the band Shallow Palace

O, Troubled Soul

With a burdened heart and troubled soul my fingers hit these keys. It is here with a heavy and tight chest my fingers fan across the keyboard in an attempt to find a release. The last couple of days I have understood what it means to have a troubled soul, a heart burdened with suffering. I never truly understood but now I do.

I had known for a long time that your heart was troubled. I never understood its pain nor did I understand the agony you were in. You were the bearer of the world's pain and carried it with valor, pride and loyalty. Maybe I should have allowed you to lean a little more, maybe I should have shown more compassion for this burden you carried. Of course these words are merely said in vain and these deeds can no longer be acted upon.

Your blood courses through my veins and I am reminded of a night not long ago where you reminded me that I was your blood. It held meaning for me then but of course holds more meaning to me now. I am happy that I shared that and sad that you are missing.

You said on various occassions that you admired my strength but now in my moments of frailty it is I that admire your strength. The strength you had to carry the burdens you did, the strength to have a happy and brave face with a troubled soul and the strength you had to give of yourself without limits to so many people. O, beautiful soul...

You were as a pebble in this ocean of life. You created so many ripples and didn't realize the magnitude your ripples caused. And now you have created a wave in my life. I am drifting in the sea waiting for a life raft because this wave has caused my ship to be wrecked and it is now my soul that is troubled. Troubled from the thought of no tomorrow. Troubled with carrying on with out you. Troubled to not grow old with you and share stories. Troubled to not be able to share music with you. Troubled to not share growing stories about our children. Troubled by so many things that I can't type them all here...

I wait for you to call but my phone doesn't ring. I long to hear your voice but its sweet melody does not sing. I clear my mind and strip away at what has been taught to us so that I may see you. I wait. I listen. I feel. In the silent hours of the evening I lay. Waiting. Wishing. And scared. Scared that I may never feel your energy or that I won't release all my expectations so that I can. If you could be so kind as to visit me...comfort me.

Because it is now my soul that is troubled.

Angels called home

Life doesn't always make sense and today is definitely one of those days. I sit here staring at this screen wondering if this is the right release. What the hell. I need somewhere other than the confines of my home and comforting arms of my husband to let it all go. It's 3:07pm and it's been exactly 14 hours since I received the call that will forever change my life. The question why resounds in my head like nails on a chalk board. It goes unanswered and I am left with a splitting headace, a aching heart and red, swollen eyes. I don't know how the universe decides who goes and who stays. I don't know if I'll ever know and it does seem sensiless to even wonder or ask why but it still comes to the forefront of my mind.

With tears streaming, I sit and pray for the spirit of the universe to give me comfort and strength. Sadness seaps into every fiber of my being and rips my soul. My heart is broke in two and it appears there is no end in sight for the heartache I feel. It almost feels wrong to wish for it. I ask for the spirit of this world to craddle me and help me through the most difficult time of my life. Something I never wanted to go through. At least not this young. Then again who does? It's unfair.

While sitting in sorrow I pick up "Tears and Laughter" by Kahlil Gibran. I close my eyes and pray. Pray for comfort. For strength. For the angels to take care of him. To guide him. I ask the spirit to allow my fingers to open to the pages that will give me comfort and this is what I read:

***********************************************************************************
Two Wishes
by: Kahlil Gibran



In the silence of the night Death descended from God toward the earth. He hovered above a city and pierced the dwellings with his eyes. He saw the spirits floating on wings of dreams, and the people who were surrendered to the mercy of Slumber.


When the moon fell below the horizon and the city became black, Death walked silently among the houses--careful to touch nothing--until he reached a palace. He entered through the bolted gates undisturbed, and stood by the rich man's bed; and as Death touched his forehead, the sleeper's eyes opened, showing great fright.


When he saw the specter, he summoned a voice mingled with fear and anger, and said, "Go away, oh horrrible dream; leave me, you dreadful ghost. Who are you? How did you enter this place? What do you want? Leave this place at once, for I am the lord of the house and will call my slaves and guards, and order them to kill you!"


Then Death spoke, softly but with smoldering thunder, "I am Death. Stand and bow!"


The man responded, "What do you want? Why have you come here when I have not yet finished my affaiars? What seek you from strength such as mine? Go to the weak man, and take him away!


I loathe the sight of your bloody paws and hollow face, and my eyes take sick at your horrible ribbed wings and cadaverous body."


After a quiet moment of fearful realization he added, "No, no, oh merciful Death! Mind not my talk, for fear reveals what the heart forbids.


Take a bushelful of my gold, or a handful of my slaves' souls, but leave me. I have accounts with Life requiring settling; I have due from the people much gold; my ships have not reached the harbor; my wheat has not been harvested. Take anything you demand, but spare my life. Death, I own harems of supernatural beauty; your choice is my gift to you. Give heed, Death--I have but one child, and I love him dearly for he is my only joy in this life. I offer supreme sacrifice--take him, but spare me!"


Death murmured, "You are not rich, but pitifully poor." Then Death took the hand of that earthly slave, removed his reality, and gave to the angels the heavy task of correction.


And Death walked slowly amidst the dwellings of the poor until he reached the most miserable he could find. He entered and approached a bed upon which a youth slept fitfully. Death touched his eyes; the lad sprang up as he saw Death standing by, and, with a voice full of love and hope he said, "Here I am, my beautiful Death. Accept my soul, for you are the hope of my dreams. Be their accomplishment! Embrace me, oh beloved Death! You are merciful; do not leave me. You are God's messenger; deliver me to Him. You are the right hand of Truth and the heart of Kindness; do not neglect me.


I have begged for you many times, but you did not come; I have sought you, but you avoided me; I called out ot you, but you listened not. You hear me now--embrace my soul, beloved death!"


Death placed his softened hand upon he trembling lips, removed all reality, and enfolded it beneath his wings for secure conduct. And returning to the sky, Death looked back and whispered his warning: "Only those return to Eternity who on earth seek out Eternity."
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As hard as this time in my life is, I find comfort in those around me. I know I will never understand it and it's not up to me to understand. An angel was called home that needed to go and maybe wanted to go. I would do anything for one more hug, one more "I love you", one more phone call, one more time to sit and hang out, one more anything but time waits for no one. I do know that I will never forget the time I had. Nor will I forget the love in my heart that I felt for him and the love he felt for me. He was my brother. He was my friend. And many times he was my angel.

May the universe be your light and my comfort. Guide me and comfort me. Give me strength and lift my wings when I need to fly. There I will see you. I will feel your spirit. I will remember... Goodbye my sweet angel. Until we meet again.